I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
You Might Also Like
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
The Assassin.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.