I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
You Might Also Like
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
*exercises sarcastically*
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?