Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
🙂🙃🥹
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.