No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
You Might Also Like
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
When you’ve simply given up.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?