Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement