explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
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I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Realize this:
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Things will get butter, keep churning
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise