angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
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How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
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Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
So glad we cleared that up
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣