before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
A double negative is a big no-no.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.