[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
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It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
giddy up Office Depot
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Banana is the quietest snack
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.