The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
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I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out