[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
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Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.