I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
You Might Also Like
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.