My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
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[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
There’s only one good girl here!
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Watermelon Boss!
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.