In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
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Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.