I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
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Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
*mops up wine with cat*
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?