Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
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I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Ugh but profoundly
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.