My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
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My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away