Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
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I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Best spoiler warning ever
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza