“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
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The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Botany good plants lately?
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”