Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
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I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
i want to work in this restaurant
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My circle of trust is a meatball
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
no their not
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U