Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
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Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Well well well…
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Cheer up.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.