Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot