When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
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I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
You better watch out
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it