This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
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A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’