Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
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Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
finally
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
At an art museum and I thought this was art
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off