Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
necessity is the mother of invention