If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
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Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
choose your gary
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.