Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
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Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
thank god
I needed a laugh this morning.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
That’s easy for you to say
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald