My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
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Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Classic German Shepherd 😂
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health