I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
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I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Doggies just call it style.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.