A game married people play.
You Might Also Like
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
giddy up Office Depot
You’re the water to my grease fire.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Donkey Kong sommelier
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!