My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
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I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
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WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked