Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
The Joker was right
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Tuesday
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.