[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
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[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Mountain Goat : )
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits