On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
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Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
scared to check what name she chose
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time