When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
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Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
forgive me baja for i have blast
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
good morning
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me: