Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
favorite tropes as memes
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Order here:
More here:
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account