I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”