I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
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I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I gave up going to work for lent.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it鈥檚 your stupid hair. That鈥檚 what today has been like.
Me: I鈥檓 not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 馃憖
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
a lot to unpack here
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.