I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
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Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what