Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
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The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?