[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
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just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.