i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
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[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god