When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
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My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.