My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
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Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.