Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
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i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one