I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
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Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.