If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I wish I were this cool 😂
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
#titanic
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*