Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
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The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
it’s the silliest best thing
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
My favorite female superhero