Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
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Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do